it gets worse

My mom woke me up this morning to tell me the ambulance was on their way. Ben, my brother, had several grand mal seizures this morning, and he was not coming out of it and continuing to seize. They brought him to the ER, and now he is heavily sedated in the ICU.

We are waiting on an EEG. Ben is a complicated case due to the 7 other meds he is on, so every single medical decision has to be made with great caution.

So now both my brothers, who live 14 hours apart from each other, are in the ICU for grand mal seizures. What in the world is going on???!!!

This has to end somewhere, right?!

Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. We are trusting the Lord to work out the details.

the hands of men

Things aren't looking good.

My brother-in-law was making great progress over the last 2 months, but 2 weeks ago he took about 100+ steps back. As of tonight they cannot get his seizing under control and no one has any freaking answers.

No doctor has cared enough to see this through.

Why does no one want to figure this out? Why does no one care?

I love the medical field for all it has accomplished for SO many, but I also hate it for what it has done to my family. I hate that no one really seems to care. How can you allow someone live with a migraine for 10 months with little to no relief?

I don't know what it's going to take, but I fear it's his life....

so I can only remind myself that his life is in God's hands....not the hands of men.

**Updated: It's just after 4am and I just talked to my BIL. He is being admitted to the ICU right now...

Nantucket Beach

Funk Take 2

I still can't put my finger on the funk, but I have spent sometime thinking about it. I should have clarified and told you it's not an emotional funk. It's just a I feel very strange all the time funk. For example, things that seem normal to me, appear to be strange in my mind. Weird, I know. It's enough that I have considered going to the doctor if I don't feel better soon.

I have felt better the last couple days. But I have to be honest, there has been a part of me experiencing an emotional funk in addition to the strange-feeling funk.

The emotional funk stems from feeling unappreciated.

It's true. I'm an affirmation girl. I need to hear from you that you appreciate what I am doing or that I am doing it correctly. I am not looking for high praise, but to simply have the satisfaction that my effort is worth it.

When I don't receive this affirmation that I so desperately seek, I begin to not only feel unappreciated, but also taken advantage of.

It finally "hit me" the other night. One of my favorite quotes states, "Intense love does not measure, it just gives" (Mother Teresa).

If I am giving of myself to others, I don't have to feel unappreciated or taken advantage of. If my actions are out of love, measurement has no part of the equation.

But if you want to affirm me, I won't mind! :)

Funk

I have been in a total funk lately.

I have no idea.

I have been feeling very strange mentally.

And it has put me in a real funk.

To the point where I don't want to do anything.

I don't feel depressed.

I am not really anxious.

Just in a funk.

And I hate the feeling.

It's a feeling of not being able to be present in the moment. ever.

I keep thinking I will wake up and it will be gone.

But it hasn't.

I've felt better for a couple days.

And I have moments when I feel normal again.

But then I go back to the strange feeling.

Today the funk just made me totally annoyed at everything.

UGH!

I wish I knew what the deal was....

Brother-In-Law

Many of you have sent me messages, e-mails, and comments asking about my brother-in-law. I have been maintaining a blog for them so everyone can stay updated. Should you want to continue following their journey and read a letter my sister wrote recently, please visit their blog here.

Thank you, friends, for all your prayers and concern on behalf of our family.

this and that

I always have so many blog ideas running through my head, but I hardly even write them down or have the mental energy to type them out.

I have no idea where the last two months have gone. SO crazy and I hate how it's the end of summer. I always say I don't even want to think about my Bday (Aug 14th) because that means summer is winding down. UGH!

I turned 25 this year. Time to grow up! :) I spent it snuggling with a 4 week old baby. I stayed with some friends for a couple days to help out with the baby. But wow I am tired. Last night was my first night back in my bed and I am pretty sure I could have slept until my 26th birthday!

My sister and BIL where here for a week. We went for lunch at an amazing restaurant called Latitudes. It's the summer restaurant for a hotel call Wentworth By The Sea. The owner saw some of my pictures and is interested in using some of them!

THE BEST salad I have ever eaten!!

My sister and BIL's wedding rings

Sister

Mom and her girls