Tuesday, October 12, 2010
it turned out differently than I thought
When I left the ICU 2 weeks ago with my brother, who was being moved to a regular floor, I said if I was never there again, it would be too soon.
Little did I know.
In that same room, room #7 in the ICU, I would be following the nurse with my grandmother in the bed two weeks later. I spent all day yesterday beside her. Her breathing was labored and she was so irritated, confused and the most miserable I have ever seen a person. She also had hypoxia due to the lack of oxygen she was getting. She kept telling me all day she was dying. The doctors assured her she was not and just needed to get over this hump.
One week ago she fell and broke 5 ribs. She was taken and admitted to the hospital because she had aspirated and had pneumonia. As she was weened off the pain meds, her breathing became more labored and even a 100% oxygen mask was not keeping her stats where they needed to be, thus the need to move her to ICU for the night.
The doctor told my aunt and I we were causing her breathing to be so bad by "micromanaging her". Dear Doctor, if you would give her some pain meds maybe she would not be suffering. Clearly the small dose you gave her is not helping.
Once she was in ICU, (where we thought she was just spending the night and would be moved back to a regular floor in the morning) she started to talk nonsense. Because I have been with two other grandparents during the dying process, I knew this was all too familiar. She was taken for a CT scan and the cardiologist told us she thought my grandma was having a heart attack but her stats were improving. We went to her bedside and she was very ash. We stood around her bed as she sang lullabies in Greek, never opening her eyes again....and then she just stopped breathing and went to be with Jesus. I had just been helping feed her lunch 7 hours before.
If she was going to go, it was for what I had prayed- quickly and peacefully.
It's so hard knowing she was so healthy and walking 2 miles every day just over a week ago. I just look at pictures and can't believe it.
I won't lie, I really wish life would stop hurting because this has been a very long year and I'm tired. So very tired.
I miss you my YiaYia. Thank you for always being at every school play, graduation, and cooking for me every Thursday night. I'm glad you are with Jesus and Papou now. I know how much you missed him. I love you! xoxo