Monday, December 7, 2009

in control

I like to be in control.

If I am traveling with others, I like to drive.

If I know where I am going, I don't like other people to tell me how to go.

If I am working on a team project for school, I like my idea to be used so I have a 100% understanding of the vision. I typically take the "team leader" roll.

If someone makes a decision for me (e.g. my sister telling me I am going to work out with her :) ) I have no problem saying " No, I'm not". Nicely, of course! :)

Do I sound like a control freak? :) I am actually very laid back and will gladly do things asked of me, but at the same time there are situations where I have to feel in control...especially when told I have to workout with Jillian M for an hour at 11pm...

The truth is, I am at a point in my life where I feel out of control. I am so glad to be done with undergrad- SO glad! But at the same time, there are so many unknowns to me. Grad school starts soon. I have to apply for a loan, I have to decide what to do about working. So much of me wants to know exactly what I am doing. I don't enjoy the times in life when everything is up in the air. Yes, I know I am going to grad school, what degree I am seeking, and where I will be attending school, but beyond that? Will I be able to find a perfect job? When will I find it? When do I start looking? I work now, but when is that not going to be enough? How much longer will I live where I am currently living? Really the questions in my mind are endless. I don't like change.

These are just some of my feelings about not being in control-merely scratching the surface. I guess part of it is wanting to be able to prepare myself mentally for what is coming.

When my fears get the best of me, I have to have a step back and remember the Lord IS in control. He knows what my future holds. He knows when I will finish school, what I'll be doing then, where I'll be living, etc. I have to trust in His control and not my own.

Tonight I am feeling out of control, but I am trying really hard to be okay with it!


Arizona Mamma said...

I cerainly have these times too. I am a bit of a controller as well. Of course if you talk to my husband, he would tell you that is the understatement of the year ;)

Oh, and yes...three hours! I am a bit meticulous about the lights on the tree, which why the job became mine when Andy and I started spending our Christmas together years ago. I kept nagging him about blank spots. Sometimes, I should just keep my mouth shut!

Katrina said...

I have a few controls issue myself. These last few months have really taught me it's okay to step back, breathe, and trust in others. You'll get through this just fine. :)

Laura said...

I'm feeling similarly right now. I graduate in May, and I'm so nervous about finding a job, paying back loans, moving back home with my family then hopefully out on my own...

I know it will all work out, but I just want to fast forward so I can definitely see that what is supposed to happen, will.

That Fresh Feeling said...

I defn feel you about liking control. Lately though i have been trying to give all control over to God and so far the path my hubby and I are on now is so much more then i could have dreamed.

Keep the faith,

Amanda said...

I think everyone FEELS out of control at times...its how we deal with it that defines us. I like to rely on the fact that God IS in control, and that I am always under His protection.

Many blessings!

Menopausal New Mom said...

yes, sometimes it's easier to just go with the flow of life and not try to fight the current. I like to be in control too of those things that can be controlled. I think you're normal and it's nice that you can still be polite when doing it like with your sister LOl!

Sarah said...

You don't want to be told to work out at 11? Really?

There are so many unknowns at the stage of life you're in right now! I remember living in Derry and just wanting a letter or handwriting on the wall or something. I knew God knew, could He just tell me?

You have the right idea of course, turning to God, trusing Him. We forget so easily.